oh blah dee...oh blah dah... life goes on

I can honestly say this has been a couple weeks of ups and downs. The hubbs and I have been trying to concieve for over a year and as you probably know we have struggled with that. Infertility is a rollercoaster of emotions. Last Monday (the day after my birthday) I found out that I was pregnant. After taking 5 positive  prego tests, I thought it was safe to tell the family and start accepting the realization that I was going to have a baby. I struggled with that. I had a wall built up a little with my doubt. I was excited, I was nervous, I was scared and even moreso I was filled with so many emotions (dang hormones). It was only a couple days later that I realized, I don't think this is normal. After a bazillion google searches and calling the doctor a couple times, I realized that what was happening was not normal. I was cramping bad and bleeding alot. Blood tests confirmed, I actually was having an early miscarriage. I had felt really calm about it. I realized how fragile life is. I realized that we can get pregnant... which is a blessing. I realized that I want to make sure I have a healthy body so I can be ready to be pregnant again. I realized once again that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows what he is doing. I realized even more so that my husband is the most amazing person. He really is my ROCK. He would wrap me up in his arms and love on me during this process. I realized that I am BEYOND BLESSED and I know that we will have this opportunity again.

Make-Up oh make-up.. how do I love thee

Why do us women spend so much money on Make-Up and why do we feel it is NEEDED before we walk out the door??

The other morning I woke up late for work- I packed up my make-up bag so I could do it in the car at all the stop lights from my house to the airport (35 minutes drive).

BUT... because I was in a hurry, the make-up bag sat on my table as I rushed out the door. The whole way to work I tried to figure out how I was going to manage to get some make-up so that I did not look like I rolled out of bed. I thought to stop at Walgreens and pick up some cheap makeup just to get by but I was late and stopping to buy makeup would make me even later.

I tried to find some odd pieces of makeup in my purse and only managed to find some Burts Bee chapstick (love that stuff) and one thing of MAC lip gloss. I am doomed- no makeup day for me.

Now I am not one to wear TONS of makeup and on Saturdays I barely put any on- but only the Hubbs sees me at those times. I was hurting- hair looked like crap,  no makeup, no shower... all day people said to me, "Brooke do you feel okay"... like no makeup makes me look sickly.

So today I went out and bought some "extra" basics that I can keep in my drawers at work JUST in case this exact issue happens again. Always prepared.

In another rant... I went to the OBGYN today for another "I'm not pregnant yet" appointment. I think the OB is the wrong place for people who suffer from infertility. To many pregnant bellies in one waiting room. The doc said that my bloodwork shows I have an adrenal gland problem... what the heck is an adrenal gland and why is it affecting my baby making?? So we shall see. He did not want to put me on fertility drugs until we know something more about the adrenal gland and get that under control- ugh... oh well. I guess I will just try to keep my chin up and remember that this all is happening for a reason and Heavenly Father knows what he is doing.

Detoxing...

I have been reading this book called Tao for Fertility and it talks about detoxing my body of all the crap thats in it to allow my body to take in new, healthy foods and a new way of life. So after an expensive trip to Whole Foods, I am detoxing this week (attempting to at least). Eating all whole grains, drinking only herb teas (and the occasional Diet Dr.Pepper shhhh) and stretching more... I can honestly say I am feeling ALOT better already. I have more energy and have a different feeling inside. Something to be said about eating healthy.

I went to the Dr. on Tuesday to only be told "you are not going to get pregnant in the next three months so just forget about it". I semi-cussed at the doctor under my breath but then after a few tears were shed she explained that I will need medical help to get pregnant and I will not be able to get the medical help until they can figure out whats going on with my hormone levels. No answers... more tests... and passed onto another doctor. I know we will get pregnant but it might take all our money trying and we will probably pop out like 5 at one time.

I wonder if TLC needs a new reality show.....

what sucks to is that I see all of these mothers come into my office that have like 6 kids and are pregnant with a 7th and they make $8.00/hr and are trying to get government assistance... Thats when I used to get a little bitter. I don't know if they realize what a blessing their children are.

As you know I have been attempting to make a baby for a while now. All the mattress mambo techniques are not really working for me. For some reason my husbands baby batter is not making a bun in my oven (wow that was alot of cooking lingo in one sentence). I have had the doctors poke and prod on me and I have another appt next week with the hormone doc. I have been frustrated, and sad, and angry, and bitter, and hormonal. I need to just relax.... so alas I am going to come to terms with my inner chi.

A friend of mine recommended The Tao for Fertility which is a book written by a Chinese doctor. The Western medicine technique is to take lots of hormone pills and whatnot- Eastern medicine teaches to meditate, eat healthy, herbs, acupunture all of those things. Heck its cheaper then the western way and I figure it can't hurt to try.

So in the new year, The Hubbs and I are going to go and get him tested to make sure his swimmers are swimming and if everything tests out okay, I think I am going to apply some of these Chinese ideas. I need some balance, some harmony, some positive energy, some chi. I have found that this baby making (or lack of) has caused me to be negative about my work and everything else around me.

so we shall see... I will know more after the new year. 2010 will be a great year.